my uncle died like a month ago and my mom inherited his kid and his house and his business and does she share her wealth? pshhh. all i need is cable and she does not provide. im not greedy; i do not require a multitude of superfluous channels. in fact my humble request consists of broadcast stations only. just a little nbc is that too much to ask? not its not. but alas, i must suffer through antenna tv. i miss every third word of the days of our lives cos that bitch will not donate toward my need for a reliable signal. whore. of selfishness.

look what i made!

jesus loves me. i had a four hour labor and birthed an 8 lb baby with zero pain. the most uncomfortable part of the whole experience was the catheter they made me get. other than that i dint feel a thing. i was so expecting terrible pain but the dr was like "heres the head" and i was like "nuh uh!"
i guess epidurals are the shiiiiit i kinda wish i still had one cos i got lots of stitches and when i sneeze it feels like they're ripping out.

ps. i have no hemorrhoids and i dint poop myself :D

baby face

this pic is 2 1/2 weeks ago when she was already something over 6 lbs.


i cant poop my belly button hurts i have stabbing vagina pains. fyi.

im gaining weight right.... now

im due in like 5 weeks and i still havent decided on a name! i had one all picked out for a few mos and then i changed my mind (or have i?? ..shit) and now im drawing a blank on the whole thing. im tired of even thinking about it. i have to say the stupidest thing i could have done is let other people talk me into telling them what names i was considering cos everyone seems to have an opinion however unsolicited and i couldnt care less so i end up saying bitchy things to them and discarding names i was okay with just in spite of them. people are seriously pissing me the fuck off lately. just because this is my first baby everyone i talk to has some bullshit to tell me like somehow i couldnt go thru it without their input and advice. ugh, really i would rather totally fuck up on my own than have someone else tell me what to do or how to do it. people are even trying to tell me what furniture i need to move around and what needs to go where. i know they're all trying to be helpful etc but its getting hard to keep up the smile and nod routine. thus far my mother is the only person smart enough to keep her mouth shut and listen. for possibly the first time ever, but its a welcome change.

babys first pic @ 10.5 weeks

i am completely exhausted and all ive done so far today is poop and have oatmeal. its still really weird to think theres someone living inside of me. those once cute little movements are turning into painful jabs. and im seriously getting the anxiety knowing ive got less than 8 weeks until i get to squeeze a whole person from my vagina and probably poop myself trying in front of a whole room full of people. i think the worst part is the whole room full of people. i know its really up to me whether or not i want the audience and i kinda really dont, but my parents are planning to come here for the birth and jasons mom talks about being there for the delivery like theres no question about it, i guess i would kinda feel bad to tell them i dont want anyone to watch.
even tho i really dont want to have to go thru surgery i secretly hope to have a c section sometimes just so i can get out of having a bunch of people staring at my vagina for a few hours. and also not having to sit on a donut when i get home. tho im sure having your gut split open feels just as nice. do you see why im panicked?? no matter how this goes down im pretty much fucked really. i keep telling myself it cant be that bad or no one would have any siblings.

gorgonzola tits

i decided i need to go on dr phil so he can tell jason how retarded he is cos i tell him all the time but he doesnt believe me but surely if he heard it on television then he would know it is the real deal. i like to put peanut butter and jelly in my milk and stir it up til its only slightly clumpy and drink it cos its sooo nice. monday night i dreamt that i could see thru my stomach and the baby was talking to me and had black hair i named her olivia and then she told me she was a boy. even my maternity clothes are getting snug it is going to take many many months to remedy this mess and i dont even get to start for another three months holy fuck.

so, things i havent said here... im expecting a girl and while i dont want to say i was disappointed by that news i did spend four months praying there would be a penis in one of those ultrasound pictures. it only took me a week to decide it wasnt the worst possible case scenario. after all there are things like clubfoot and autism. i guess thats a touch shittier than dresses and pigtails.
and yes ive been trying to name her, and tho i change my mind too much to stick to anything i do keep coming back to bailey. the only thing i dont like about it is that it doesnt shorten and ive also heard it might be somewhat popular (??) ..ive never met another one and it didnt rank in the ssa top 100. while i have gotten mostly positive responses, someone said it sounds like a name for a dog. another thot the middle name ought to be irish cream and someone else said it reminds them of the circus. but of course i would not be posting it here unless i expected some feedback so please, let me know what you think and suggest away.

3 bites away from a diabetic coma

ive made it past the halfway mark and im still hemorrhoid free! but i am getting pretty goddamn fat. my first couple monthly weigh ins i had actually lost a few pounds. i ate a whole cake, about 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies and a pecan pie and i was SURE i had gained at least 20 pounds but the doctors scale said 4 which lead me to believe i was totally invincible. then i went to my parents house for mashed potatoes and gravy thanksgiving and apparently it all caught up with me. i went from needing a belt with my jeans to not being able to button them comfortably in a matter of 3 days. when i went for my next appointment they made me get on the scale twice cos they thot they had read my 12 pound gain incorrectly. damnit that was kind of embarrassing.
ive been feeling movement for about 6 weeks now at first like little flutters when ide lay very still and over the past few weeks its gotten a lot stronger to where it almost startles me. its pretty fucking awesome really. knowing it will end in just a few short months makes me a little sad but i'll probably be too busy and tired to think about it by then. crazy its taken 5 and a half months to really hit me that im going to be somebodys mommy soon, its still kind of strange to think about.

i dreamt i was at the fair an i found one of those chocolate covered strawberry vendors and for $7 they were gonna give me 5 dark and 5 white chocolate covered strawberries but instead i ended up with 10 chocolate covered skewered hotdogs but this was not at all disappointing (??) cos i dint even realize thats not what i had wanted until after waking but anyhow i was eating my hotdogs and they were melting all over my face and getting extra messy and i woke myself up trying to lick my own face clean which turned out to be completely covered in drool, not melted chocolate.

welcome to my mommy blog :O

yep you read it right. if you thot my blog sucked ass before just wait until i start cooing about the fruits of my uterine cakes er whatever. i'll be honest with you, so far pregnancy is completely fucked. and just seven more months to go!!! im exhausted all the time and when im not sleeping i feel sick and have intense desire for pie and grease. i have awesome dreams tho. also im somewhat panicked about the whole birthing idea. but i guess its gotta come out somehow and im bound to wind up with a gaping souvenir of my stupidity. damnit.

my boobs hurt

and i hate my fucking job. extra. i have nothing else going at the moment but i am seriously considering letting tomorrow be my last day cos its that fucking miserable. ferreals yo. for obvs reasons i am not trying to identify my place of employment but i will say that i have to dress like a goddamn retard and work upwards of 12 hour shifts on a regular basis. and by regular basis i mean 6 days per week. and no they dont pay well either. you're probably wondering why i would've agreed to such a job in the first place and honestly i dont have a good answer for you cos i am asking myself that very question. clearly i am stupid. all i can blame is my new found sobriety. i never made such dumb choices when i got high. in fact when i was high all the time i managed to avoid working completely for at least 2 years. definitely a much smarter carrie on weed. i dunno if i can live here much longer cos i cant get a decent job within a reasonable distance. in seattle i could get away without driving; nothing was more than an hour away by bus. here, all the good jobs are a minimum two hour bus ride away which is not gonna work out. not even close.

i totally peed for nothing

more training.. ugh yesterday was gayness. it might be too early to say for sure, but i dont think im feeling this job really. mostly, its the outfit. its indescribably lame and not comfortable. sort of a deal breaker y'know. this will be day 2 of wearing it and already im getting pretty pissy over it. i may be looking for something else again really soon. im actually somewhat looking forward to seeing my mom next month. last night i dreamt i was in seattle getting high. and it was a lot of fun damnit. i mail ordered a coupla things this week but im cheap and i took the free shipping options which are slower and waiting for them to get here is totally killing me esp cos i dont think either of them are getting here til monday at the earliest. fuck.

i have orientation today. i had to call my mom last night to transfer me money cos im -$89 right now. i kinda didnt think she would do it but she actually called back a few mins ago to see if i needed more. whoa..? um yes. sometimes more is better. i sunburnt myself all day yesterday wearing my sunglasses so i have a huge red triangle in the center of my face what is my nose and white around my eyes with a red forehead also i wore a ponytail yesterday so its red all around my neck except a white line down the center of my back i look amazzzing.

i got a new job! and its a damn good thing i had the foresight to lay off the dope a few months back cos indeed i had to pee in a cup for this one.
also, thats much harder than i had previously thot. i couldn't go the first time. they only allow 3 minutes and then they get really mean when you cant pee in front of them.
i had to stay there for an hour and drink water til i was sure that some evil old asian woman could no longer intimidate my bladder.
people working in pee collector positions are quite snatchy, as i suppose should be expected really. its not an ideal job description if you ask me.